I'm confused.
Tonight, I have once again come face to face with the fact that deep down, I'm not all too okay. I hide my true emotions within devices such as sarcasm and humor. I hold things in way too much. I sabotage myself every chance I get. and the list goes on.
But it doesn't seem to matter. That's what confuses me. No matter how hard I inadvertently try and fuck things up, I can't.
And that is what confuses me. It would be easy to go with the best possible answer as to why it doesn't matter, but I'd rather know that its 100% true until I commit to it. I want that answer to be true, I really do but as of right now its impossible to tell, and that's what kills me. This uncertainty leads to me building things up and up and up, then once the ideal situation doesn't pan out, it all comes falling down, and that is what will kill me the most.
My freak out tonight was inevitable, but the positive is me taking a step aside and identifying before anything bad happens that I'm falling into old habits. This is where that ends. I can stop myself from doing anything more stupid, which is a good sign I hope.
Go with the flow, and hope the pieces fall into place.
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fhiz's journal
